Self-reliancy

[mcroft]

I saw this on a friend's LJ and I liked the thoughts he expressed. I think he really hit it on the head. Good friends don't act as enablers for self-defeating strategies. Not for long, anyway.

I know that things happen that don't turn out the way we want, but the people who succeed overcome obstacles, and having the kind of encouragement to overcome that my (anonymous by his request) friend is getting is what I want.

I hope I'm this kind of friend. If I'm not, please kick me and tell me so.

The thing about embracing a lifestyle of enlightenment and surrounding one's self with self-actualizing friends is that it's nearly impossible to allow yourself to indulge in self pity.

Sitting around saying "poor me. poor, poor me" just doesn't hold any weight.

I learned long ago that the responsibility for success or failure falls squarely on my own shoulders.

When life takes one of those turns where things seem unpleasant or disruptive the only real choice is to look at the message the universe is trying to convey to you.

It is easier to foist the blame onto external forces and allow one's self to claim victim status. In truth I am the master of my own destiny.

As my dear, deceased mentor used to say:

"You are here because you choose to be here. You did everything necessary to get to the space you are in right now. If you truly want things to be different you would do what it takes to change them."

Of course this always pissed me off in the beginning.

"What do you mean? I didn't ask for this! It's not my fault my girlfriend left/I lost my job/the storm destroyed my house/whatever..."

But over time it has made more and more sense. Being self indulgent was a luxury I offered myself as an excuse to wallow in self pity. Sure, there are forces at work beyond our control. Storms, psychotic women, lay-offs etc.

I guess the point is that we need to learn from these experiences.

Let me give you some examples.

In my lifetime I have changed my career and am now much happier and find I have more stability in my employment. Sure, I have been laid off in the past but by keeping my skills current I find I have better luck getting re-employed. I even changed careers completely over 10 years ago.

In my lifetime I have had my heart broken any number of times. This forced me to assess the type of women I dated. My previous low self esteem caused me to date mentally unstable women. Today I enjoy a long term (X year) relationship with a wonderful, beautiful woman who loves me. Because I realized I deserve to be in a stable relationship.

I like to think I learn from my experiences.

The things going on right now have something to teach me.
I just have to be open to what it is that I am supposed to learn.

Still, it's nice to sit back and wallow just a bit. But my friends won't let me...

And who's fault is that? It's mine.
It's mine because when I was in a better place I chose to become friends with them knowing they had this to give.

So when I thank them I need to thank myself for being clever enough to seize that opportunity.

If I chose friends that allowed me to perpetuate the negative then I would not grow.

Gah! I go now. Thanks to all of you.

</lj-cut

Comments

[la-directora.livejournal.com]

My heavens, this sounds like a conversation we had not too long ago. :) Yes, you are that kind of friend. No kicking necessary.

[princejvstin.livejournal.com]

And thank you for counting me amongst your friends and vice versa.

[drelmo.livejournal.com]

Broken LJ-cut close tag, Michael.

Anyway: Yeah. Victim culture is the opposite of the answer. It's all terribly Heinleinian, I know, but the righteous person takes responsibility even when it's not their fault. Because responsibility is a kind of control, and control is how you cause change.

Of course, denial of responsibility and corresponding refusal of control is often precisely the goal. That's why one identifies as a victim, so that one's failures are out of one's control.

Of course, I'm a risk-averse control-freak, so now there's an open question in my head about the interaction between being a victim/taking control and the avoidance of failure. Maybe risk-aversion is orthogonal to responsibility-aversion. Is there a population of risk-seeking responsibility-averse people?

Anyway, with respect to your self-image, like calls to like. If you hang out with non-enabling non-victims, odds are pretty good you're one, too.