Why they don't let me write scripts for movies...

In the APCB discussion of Dungeon Seige the movie, I re-wrote the script a bit. I like mine better.

Jason Statham is Phillip Jose Farmer, our hero. Congressman L. Ron Paul plays Nodwick, an old friend of Farmer's and his stalwart-but-straight henchman. Matthew Lillard plays Kilgore Trout, the love-nephew of Kurt Vonnegut, who is played by Burt Reynolds.

Vonnegut murders Farmer's wife and children as revenge for Farmer's secret authorship of "Venus on the Half Shell" (attributed to Trout). Farmer and Nodwick must journey up a vast river with Strawberry Shortcake (played by American McGee) to return from the dead to eat Vonnegut's brains.

That's how it would be if I wrote the script, anyway...